This is how I’m feeling today. It’s how I’ve been feeling lately…and I don’t know what it is. It’s academia. It’s depression. It’s the unexpected and out of my control. It’s fibromyalgia and PCOS. It’s being 35 and starting a doctoral program while struggling to get pregnant. It’s not wanting to engage but missing my communities and feeling guilty about not staying in touch. It’s trying to change the fucking world and just wanting to read novels and drink tea. I feel stuck, but stuck in a place that’s perpetually painful, exhausting, and sad.
I love my people. I love my partner and my dog and the work that I’m doing. I’m proud and so incredibly grateful.
AND
always and.
Here’s a wildly relatable song and its lyrics
I just want to feel everything, the cheerful and the sappy
I just want to be loved as everybody should
Sometimes I want to say nothing and still be understood
Sometimes it’s hard to be easy, tough to be cool
Time keeps slipping on past me no matter what I do
And if a sentimental teardrop is running down my cheek
I’m holding back a rain cloud that needs to be released
I like to hear the rain fall as I go to sleep
To wash away those old dreams I shouldn’t keep
These sentimental teardrops need to fall from time to time
Sometimes I try to be honest, without a doubt
I try to tell the truth sometimes but the opposite comes out
Sometimes I want to make love, I won’t deny it
Sometimes I want to talk dirty then feel embarrassed by it
Sometimes I want to freak out, I want to be numb
Sometimes I feel so angry, but not at anyone
And if a sentimental teardrop is running down my cheek
I’m holding back a rain cloud that needs to be released
I like to hear the rain fall, it helps me go to sleep
To wash away those old dreams I shouldn’t keep
These sentimental teardrops need to fall from time to time
Sometimes I want to be famous but I don’t want to try
I can’t help but be lazy, hey maybe that’s why
Sometimes I want to be modest, civil and restrained
Sometimes I want to go naked and not feel ashamed
I get so tired of being quiet, I want to yell
Sometimes I want to know how it feels to be somebody else
And if a sentimental teardrop is running down my cheek
I’m holding back a rain cloud that needs to be released
I love to hear the rain fall, it helps me go to sleep
To wash away those old dreams I shouldn’t keep
These sentimental teardrops need to fall from time to time
These sentimental teardrops need to fall from time to time