I Don’t Ask Anymore

A poem by Maya Abu Al-Hayyat @mayaabualhayy a Beirut-born, Palestinian novelist and poet living in Jerusalem. She has a book of poems (that I just ordered from a local bookstore and cannot wait to spend some time with) called “You Can Be The Last Leaf”. I’m so grateful to this new community of creators and liberators I’ve found, who introduce me to stories and poems like these. All of this can be incredibly lonely. But then you see a post that makes you gasp, or cry and you remember that your people are out there…also hurting…also feeling lonely…and we’re connected. I first saw this poem when a good friend posted it on her IG stories. She’s an empath and a mother of 3. I can only imagine the power this poem had on her. I’m not a mother. I’m a tia (aunt in Spanish) and I honor that role in a way that transcends what western society says about a childless aunt in her late 30’s, focusing her efforts on academia and social justice. AND my heart breaks just a little every day when I think about the babies around the world who aren’t safe and warm and fed like my nieces and nephews, who I would die for. I then looked to who my friend shared the post from, and it was @fariha_roisin, who talks about World Poetry Day and the equinox and Nowruz and gushes about love and collective liberation in a way that makes me feel home. Then I jumped on Canva and typed this out to share with the rest of you. So…today I’m thankful for the power of poetry and community. I think I’ll spend this rainy northeastern Saturday morning sitting in this hope, that evidently, I haven’t fully lost.

Sentimental Teardrops

This is how I’m feeling today. It’s how I’ve been feeling lately…and I don’t know what it is. It’s academia. It’s depression. It’s the unexpected and out of my control. It’s fibromyalgia and PCOS. It’s being 35 and starting a doctoral program while struggling to get pregnant. It’s not wanting to engage but missing my communities and feeling guilty about not staying in touch. It’s trying to change the fucking world and just wanting to read novels and drink tea. I feel stuck, but stuck in a place that’s perpetually painful, exhausting, and sad.

I love my people. I love my partner and my dog and the work that I’m doing. I’m proud and so incredibly grateful.

AND

always and.

Here’s a wildly relatable song and its lyrics

Sometimes I want to be sad, sometimes I want to be happy
I just want to feel everything, the cheerful and the sappy
I just want to be loved as everybody should
Sometimes I want to say nothing and still be understood
Sometimes it’s hard to be easy, tough to be cool
Time keeps slipping on past me no matter what I do
And if a sentimental teardrop is running down my cheek
I’m holding back a rain cloud that needs to be released
I like to hear the rain fall as I go to sleep
To wash away those old dreams I shouldn’t keep
These sentimental teardrops need to fall from time to time
Sometimes I try to be honest, without a doubt
I try to tell the truth sometimes but the opposite comes out
Sometimes I want to make love, I won’t deny it
Sometimes I want to talk dirty then feel embarrassed by it
Sometimes I want to freak out, I want to be numb
Sometimes I feel so angry, but not at anyone
And if a sentimental teardrop is running down my cheek
I’m holding back a rain cloud that needs to be released
I like to hear the rain fall, it helps me go to sleep
To wash away those old dreams I shouldn’t keep
These sentimental teardrops need to fall from time to time
Sometimes I want to be famous but I don’t want to try
I can’t help but be lazy, hey maybe that’s why
Sometimes I want to be modest, civil and restrained
Sometimes I want to go naked and not feel ashamed
I get so tired of being quiet, I want to yell
Sometimes I want to know how it feels to be somebody else
And if a sentimental teardrop is running down my cheek
I’m holding back a rain cloud that needs to be released
I love to hear the rain fall, it helps me go to sleep
To wash away those old dreams I shouldn’t keep
These sentimental teardrops need to fall from time to time
These sentimental teardrops need to fall from time to time

Rising out of Stagnation

As a global society, we are no longer in unprecedented times. That phrase lost its power some years back when health crises, human rights issues, and racial injustice became our norm. Collectively, we are having to problem-solve, repair, and educate—all while trying to heal. When we are faced with this kind of reality, it can be easy to slip into something resembling stagnation. Something that feels like hopelessness in a sea of cultural unrest (brought to you by your local news or social media post). It’s particularly challenging within marginalized communities, wherein the effects of said unrest are exacerbated and often overlooked. Understanding this is essential to our global healing. Recognizing the inequities of negative impacts from rising social issues is imperative. Communities of color, with disabilities, mental health, or substance abuse challenges, folks living in poverty or who face daily oppression, deserve the support of change-makers and scholars; of community members with the means and ability to rise out of stagnation.

Participating in this kind community healing and empowerment is another way of describing social justice—a term growing in its use (but not necessarily with its intent). Social justice does not portray one face. It is not personified solely by marches or signed petitions. Nor is it embodied by grand gestures or a dedicated full-time job. Sometimes social justice looks and feels  more compact. Smaller-scale and closer to home. This Summer, Esperanza United collaborated with Tow Youth Justice Institute, along with the Office of Youth, Family & Engagement at the New Haven Public School District, to educate community youth about social justice. The program was held at Hillhouse High School in New Haven for five weeks, wherein local educators and advocates volunteered time and resources dedicated to participating youth. A diverse set of classes were offered to grades 6 through 12. The research and evaluation team at Esperanza United presented a workshop designed to engage and educate students on using art and storytelling to contribute to social change. Students learned about the history and activism of zines, hand-made and self-published social justice messages distributed in small circulations. Think of a tiny magazine full of cut-out letters and powerful images that can fit into the palm of your hand (or a table in a public restroom). Zines have fluctuated in their popularity, starting during the civil rights movement in the 60s and 70s, returning to feminist groups in the 80s, and regaining popularity with current activist communities of Gen Z. It is an innovative way to voice social messages without the means for professional publication. It teaches youth to tap into their creative minds and share theirs and their communities’ stories in the name of social justice. Students in the Summer program outdid themselves with their zine creations. Some displayed their own poetry, describing injustices and trauma they’ve experienced. Others designed artwork cut from various magazines to portray powerful realities of Black and Brown lives. Colorful zines adorned with, “Our Body Our Choice”, and “Get loud about climate change”, were proudly shared by participating students. What felt the most powerful to me, was the shift in participation during each workshop. When we first started, our walk-through zine history and the importance of social justice were met with blank stares and heads looking down at their phones. Students were initially hesitant to share their opinions or social interests. Then supplies were passed out. Suddenly, students’ artistic visions started to bloom. Heads were bent towards their desks, only this time, they were focused on precise image placement or clean handwriting. Students who, a half hour ago seemed disinterested, walked up to me with proud smiles and wanting to show off their work. Many of them asked if they can take theirs home to continue working on them, and others ended up staying into the next session to make another. Youth voices are powerful. They can create change when fostered and respected, and deserve collaboration and investment.

Our capacity for social justice, like youth’s ability to come out of their shells, will fluctuate. Sometimes, we will have the time and energy to dedicate our work to empirical research and policy change. Other times, we’ll be burnt out or simply feel defeated. It would be easy to sit into that defeat and convince ourselves that we cannot make the changes we seek. In these moments, we can look to our local communities. We can share knowledge or distribute resources. We can spend time with the next generation and have important conversations, validating their humanity and capacity for power. Stagnation will call, and we will rest in the name of resistance. But after we’ve rested and healed, we are called to action. Called to contribute to our global healing and invest in an equitable and accessible future for marginalized communities and power-wielding youth.

The Other Side of Adventure

If you’re reading this, it’s probably because you know me personally or like my writing enough to follow. It also means that you know I’m about to make some big ‘ol life changes. Just in case you’re new here, the cliffs notes version is: I’m starting grad school, moving to Connecticut with the hubs and pup (when I’ve spent 33 years comfortably staying in my corner of the world [and have literally never even visited the East Coast]), and I’m leaving my friends, family, and nephews…who are my actual world…here in L.A. This is happening in 12 days.

On paper, it’s a pretty standard change, and one that is hardly unique. In my lived experience – it’s a fucking lot. I’m known for my candor, so if you’re in the mood for something less complicated, I’d save this read for another day. Social media is not exactly known for authenticity, but there are voices and content creators who are attempting a cultural shift. Let’s keep that train moving. Let’s talk about the debilitating and super inconvenient reality of mental illness.

Depression & Her Sidekick: Anxiety

We know them (and if you’re a Millennial like me: we know them well). Some folks have better relationships with them than others. Some of us are in long-term toxic relationships that are biologically inescapable. Me and mine are life-partners and have been going to therapy for years in order to live in occasional harmony. A quick credit to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and modern science for its contributions to a-typical neurotransmitters: life is exceedingly better than it used to be and on a scale from 1 to “I have my shit together”, I mostly have my shit together…on most days…sometimes…more than I used to…things are so much better. I promise.

Here’s the thing: Major Depressive Disorder and General Anxiety Disorder are going to be dicks when you make big changes and leave everything you know thousands of miles away. It’s just how it is. The tools you’ve developed in therapy will come in handy, and you’ll be okay. You’ll have good days and recognize thought distortions and be able to ground yourself in order to sit with the excitement of all that you’ve accomplished, and all that you, and your little family of three, have to look forward to. AND…there will be other days. You’ll forget to take your meds (two days in a row) and be stuck in a cycle of “I hate my neurotransmitters…it’s all their fault…oh my god…I’m so irresponsible and my poor neurotransmitters!” You’ll sleep approximately 2-3 hours a night, despite having gone to bed at 10pm. You’ll get up for work 5 minutes before you have to log into zoom and pray that no one notices the oil in your hair or the day-old makeup on your face. Later, you’ll take a 3-hour, midday nap and wake up feeling useless. If you have other life-partners by the name of chronic pain or other invisible/autoimmune diseases – you’ll have a flareup – and it’s going to be bad. The heating pad and Flexeril won’t do shit. The gummy you got from your sister will have the effect of an actual piece of candy. You’ll feel suuuuuuper betrayed by your body and therefore not take care of it at all. You’ll get in a fight with your husband and burst into tears because of the box he chose to use to pack up the kitchen, and you’ll watch a lot of classic Disney movies while you work, because it reminds you of being a kid and not having to make adult decisions. Before I wrap this up – you’ll probably overspend while online shopping and feel an immense amount of buyer’s remorse for having self-medicated by way of capitalism. I’m not saying that I do these things…I’m just saying…it’s possible. You know…for some people. The very specific examples don’t indicate a thing…

It Sucks and…

It sucks AND we’ll be okay. It sucks and we clearly have a loving and supportive village who will keep us grounded and connected, otherwise we wouldn’t be so overwhelmed by leaving them. It sucks AND it’s all temporary. The good…the bad…the in between…it all has an end point. The adventure will begin and we’ll feel proud and accomplished and worthy for a while, and then your brain will say, “hey. fuck you”, and we’ll keep on living this colorful, complex, and beautiful life.

Evan, Jax and I will go on our road trip and have a blast. I’ll cry and miss my people and so will my husband. We’ll hold each other and support each other and make our new house a home, and we’ll zoom and visit and all the things. I just wanted to tell you that if you don’t have your shit together right now – me either. If you somehow thought that I did (based on any happy photo or announcement of academic success) I promise you I don’t. I smile and laugh when I can, and share happy memories because it makes me feel good…but I don’t have my shit together. I don’t think we’re ever supposed to. Sit with whatever you’re feeling, then take the meds…drink the water…go to the session…sing the song…write the journal…tell the friend. Just keep going and have compassion for yourself when you’re slow about it.

Love you.

Navajo Nation

I read today that not only has the Navajo Nation kicked coronavirus’s ass within their own communities, they are now donating extra PPE to India. The difference in cultural practices and collectivist values is astounding. I know most of my ancestors were non-white, but I don’t know who they are. I know that we come from territories in and around Texas, and before it was Texas, territories of Mexico. But who are my indigenous ancestors and what values got lost within each generation? I have grown up in a culture of which I’ve grown ashamed. I have grown up and accustomed to capitalism, individualistic values, and a country built on a foundation of racism. Sure, my circles have instilled other values, like equality, education, and empathy. I’m thankful for those lessons. But there are days (more more days as of late) that I wish I felt more connected to…something else. A respect for the earth and an ingrained responsibility to give back to it. An immediate response to provide for others in need, without thinking of what that may be taking away from me and mine. A contentment with what I need to survive rather than thinking multiple bathrooms and a large kitchen is on a must-have list. I know humans are complex and I am no different. There will be days that I am overjoyed by the arrival of a new book, paint sample, or impossibly glittery product for crafting. There will be other days that I reject material things completely. But today, I’m just sad for the things that I cannot heal and the problems I cannot solve.

I am someone who comes from someone, who came from other someones and so forth. I like to think I know who I am and I often say that I do (with conviction) but today I’m not sure. Today I’m thinking of all the others who came before me, of all the others who are breathing right now and who have values I long for. I’m thinking of those who are oppressed and mistreated who are more human than those who forced them off their own land, or those who were kidnapped, beaten, raped, and forced to work stolen land for centuries.

Boundaries

Saw a post on Instagram today that I connected with:

My boundaries started to strengthen when:

I got comfortable with sitting in discomfort

I understood that recognizing my limits was essential for my wellbeing

I became emotionally mature and didn’t allow my feelings to dictate my behavior

I started owning the choices available to me

I stopped being hyper-focused on a person’s title (boss, supervisor, etc.) and saw them as human

@Minaa_b (Writer, Therapist, Mental Health Educator)

The Fire This Time

Verdict: Guilty. Some folks celebrate, some dig their heels into the racist constructs of their minds. Others are having a much more complicated response. Derek Chauvin was guilty the moment the world saw him murder George Floyd as he was literally crying for his mother. The fact that it took this long to reach a legal standpoint is reason enough for complex reactions, but there is so much more history and systemic pain behind all of this than just one racist killer of Black bodies. Three counts of murder; guilty on all counts. This is something. It’s not justice but it’s at least accountability.

I started reading The Fire This Time by Jesmyn Ward last night. It’s a collection of writers and poets who, together, voice their anger, pain, and stories. (I’m on just the third essay and I’m in love. Highly recommend.) But there was a section in the introduction that Jasmyn spoke of the power of words and storytelling. It ignited my love affair for storytelling and validated every ounce of my research. It’s as if she and I were having a cup of coffee and discussing the importance of storytelling and its essential role in communities. I wanted to share a bit of Jesmyn’s words with you:

All of these essays give me hope. I believe there is power in words, power in asserting our existence, our experience, our lives, through words. That sharing our stories confirms our humanity. That it creates community, both within our own community and beyond it. Maybe someone who didn’t perceive us as human will think differently after reading Garnette Cadogan’s essay on the black body in space, or after reading Emily Raboteau’s work on urban murals. Perhaps after reading Kiese Laymon’s essay on black artists and black love and OutKast, or after reading Mitchell S. Jackson’s piece on composite fathers, a reader might see those like me anew. Maybe after reading Rachel Kaadzi Ghansah’s essay on Baldwin or Kevin Young’s hilarious essay about Rachel Dolezal and what it means to be black, a reader might cry in sympathy and then rise to laughter, and in doing so, feel kindship…

…I hope this book makes each one of you, dear readers, feel as if we are sitting together, you and me and Baldwin and Trethewey and Wilkerson and Jeffers and Walters and Anderson and Smith and all the serious, clear-sighted writers here – and that we are composing our story together. That we are writing an epic wherein black lives carry worth, wherein black boys can walk to the store and buy candy without thinking they will die, wherein black girls can have a bad day and be mouthy without being physically assaulted by a police officer, wherein cops see twelve-year-old black boys playing with fake guns as silly kids and not homicidal maniacs, wherein black women can stop to ask for directions without being shot in the face by paranoid white homeowners.

I burn, I hope.

Jesmyn Ward, The Fire This Time

Note to Self

More than anything, 
I wish I could tell my younger self,

"You are not a thing
that someone else can ruin forever.
Your body is not made of shame,
it is made of light.
You are not a tragedy waiting to happen,
you are your own moon,
glowing in the night sky
despite all that has happened to you."

- Nikita Gill

Thank you for these soul-reaching words, Nikita Gill. I, too, wish I could say these words to my younger self. 
And today...I'm breathing them in.
Because today, tonight, right now...I need to believe them. 

Big Changes

Big things are happening for the LeFrancois fam right now. Exciting things that are also scary and emotional and a bunch of other feelings (Which is why I’ve buried myself into developing this website and posting my first blog). The unknown is terrifying. Is that just me? It can’t be just me. It’s why people tend to choose the easy route and it’s where regret comes from. There’s an amazing TED Talk by Ruth Chang about this. I’ll link it at the bottom of this post. Anyway, anxiety and depression have teamed up to try and take me out, and while I’m trying to access all the resources and tools I’ve developed over the years, they definitely have the upper hand. (Neurotransmitters and social conditioning. Yay). I’ll fill you in on the details of the big changes, I promise. I just want to process some of the feelings first. Have you ever made a decision that felt like the biggest decision in the world, and you were immediately ignited by a “this feels right” intuition and let yourself live on clarity bridge and thought it was the most magical and exciting bridge you’ve ever seen? And then the bridge snaps and is like, “ooh…sorry. No vacancies. Byyyye!” Cool. Me, too. It effing sucks. And the thing is…this big decision comes with exciting opportunities and hard-earned achievement, so why is it so debilitating? Because when it’s a big life change…exciting opportunity also comes with mourning. (I have to credit my sister for this truth). We make these life-altering decisions for a reason. They called to us and we answered and that “this feels right” bell, it’s very rarely wrong. But sometimes the decision is a form of rebirth – and with that comes the death of a reality you once knew. That’s sad. And that’s okay. This doesn’t mean that we’re tethered to this new life. The beautiful thing is that we are faced with choices and opportunities all the time. We can put one reality to bed and give birth to a new one (that might even look similar to the original that you needed a break from to begin with). It’s all malleable, and knowing that is keeping me afloat.

Now for the tea. (I hope my friends are impressed by my organic use of young-and-cool lingo). I recently accepted an offer for the community psych grad program and the University of New Haven. For those of you like me, that’s in Connecticut, which is what cartographers call The East Coast. (I’m very educated but geographically challenged. Like…bad). Anyway…this means a cross-country move. A cross-country move for me, my husband, and our dog, Jax. That’s big, right? Right. Here’s the plot twist: we have already been planning a big move. We’ve been researching and processing it and getting things in order. The reason we were doing that is because I initially got accepted to Auckland University (Fellow geographically-challenged: That’s in New Zealand). I’ll save the political reasons as to why I applied there for another day. But let’s just say that we wanted out of this shit-show and New Zealand’s culture and lifestyle is where we wanted to go. A huge, giant, neon-sign plus was that my sister and her family began making the same plans. Fed up with this country and what it values, they hopped on the kiwi train and we couldn’t have been happier. Fast forward to my graduate acceptance letters and we arrive at that dreaded crossroad. I hate it. It’s fake and it’s phony and I wish I’d never laid eyes on it! (Musical fans? Sandra Dee? No?) So now the decision part. New Zealand with its feminist Prime Minister, socialized healthcare, and my soulmate of a sister and her family? Or Connecticut with a really amazing program that feels perfect for me, away from literally everyone we know and love? Some of you may be confused by this, but New Haven felt like the risk and New Zealand felt like the safe choice. I wasn’t in love with the program, I was in love with the environment and support network who would be there with me, and that didn’t give me the academic “this feels right” confirmation.

So now we’re moving 3,000 miles away, texting our realtor to find a house where Evan will scrape snow off our driveway and Jax will have a yard to run around. There will be Fall colors to sensationalize over, taverns for date night (yes, New England has legit taverns), and a liquor store called Ye Ole Liquor shoppe which I will absolutely be visiting. It’s going to be and adventure. But right now…it’s the most overwhelming process. My heart is still in mourning and will be for some time. For those of you reading this who know my soul…my FOMO will be off the charts. I will gladly accept any and all forms of communication and will miss you so much.

Also…we’ll have an adorable guest bedroom. Feel free to come frolic in the Autumn leaves or build snow people with us. That’s all for now. (And no…my future posts will not be this long.)

Ruth Chang: How to Make Hard Choices (TED Talk)